It's All Clint's Fault
by Caitriona3
Summary: Darcy is going on record that it's all Clint's fault.
1. The Big Red Button

_Author's Note: So…my computer ate my story. I'm doing a second shot at it. This is for dresupi – Happy Galentine's Day…a little late! (And no, I don't know why they didn't just run…probably because they're them.)_

 **The Big Red Button**

"You know, I really kind of want to push this big red button."

"Don't you dare, Clint Barton!" Darcy stabbed a finger in his direction without bothering to look away from her computer. She continued to type, entering astronomical data from her boss-slash-best friend's most recent fieldtrip to Alaska. "I don't care how bored you are. You can play the Science version of Russian roulette after I'm finished and out of range."

Amusement saturated his voice. "Ever wonder why it's Russian roulette?"

"Ha!" She heard him spinning around on one of the work stools even as her eyes narrowed on Jane's scratchy notes. "I have met Natasha, you know. I don't have any doubts in my mind that the Russians would come up with a deadly game of chance and think it was a fun idea." She flicked a glance over her shoulder to where he leaned back against one of Tony's various work stations. "Or don't you remember the whole grenade thing at Christmas?"

"That was her teasing Barnes," he shrugged. "And why are you working in here anyway?"

"Because I have tomorrow off and I plan to enjoy it." One of her shoulders came up in a half shrug as he raised his eyebrows. "And Thor got back from wherever the heck in the Nine Realms and they're….occupying the other lab."

"Hallelujah for soundproofing?" Clint laughed.

"Oh like you can't even know," she muttered, turning back to her work. Envy flickered inside her, but she swallowed it down. Yeah, she might wish she could have something like Jane, with the guy and happiness and the whole shebang, but no way would she let it twist her up. She was happy for Jane and for Thor, but… "Anyway," she continued, shaking her mind free of the topic, "I need to get this finished if I'm going to have a worry-free day off."

"Gotcha."

Something in his voice drew her attention once more. His eyes held a different look, less bored and more intense, as he eyed her this time. She lifted a brow. "What?"

"Nothing." He shrugged and she could almost see the mask drop down. "So about the red button…" 

"Oh my God, what? Are you three?" Exasperation fueled the eye roll, but experience gave her voice an edge of wariness. "Look, go be a toddler somewhere else, okay?"

"Excuse me?"

Now a thread of hurt wound through his voice and she looked back. The shadow of a deeper emotion hovered around his pout. She sighed as she turned back to him. "Look, I'm sorry, hotshot, but when you get bored, you get as easily distracted as any kid I've ever met. If it's shiny, sharp, or curvy, you want to go look. You like to push buttons, pull ropes, and I don't know what else." His pout deepened, but she could see humor beginning to flicker in those blue eyes. That let her lighten her own voice. "And we're talking about a device made by Tony. As in Stark. As in the guy who has to explode things anywhere from one to a dozen times before his genius wins out and he creates something fantastic."

"Okay," he nodded, "I see that."

"And with this?" She pointed her chin at the device in question. "He's not even sure what it's for. He made it after a three day binge of sleeplessness when Pepper was missing." Her nose wrinkled. "It could do anything from creating a black hole in the lab to making julienne fries. Lets not push it, okay?"

"Number one, I'm not that bad," Clint argued, a real glint of amusement brightening his gaze as he folded his arms over his chest.

"Yes you are," she insisted, keeping her eyes fixed on his…and not letting them shift to his biceps.

"Number two," he continued as one corner of his mouth curved into a mischievous smile, "we could concentrate on the curvy if you want." His eyes grew more intent as he watched her.

Darcy blinked at him. "I…ah…."

An alarm blared out.

Both of them jumped, with Clint coming to his feet as a gun appeared in his hand as if by magic. He moved towards the door, placing himself between it and Darcy. She turned towards the computer, instinct driving her to scan the machines. "What the-?"

"Get down," he interrupted, the gun coming up to point towards the door.

Only to lower a moment later when Natasha slipped into the room. "We have incoming," she informed them. Her attention shifted to Darcy. "We need to get you into a safe room."

"Lucky me," Darcy sighed even as she grabbed her phone. "Let's go."

The Tower shook, pushing all of them off balance.

Darcy grabbed her desk to hold herself upright. "Well that can't have been good."

"Shit."

Both women turned towards Clint.

"Barton?"

"Clint?"

Lights began to dance in the air above Tony's workstation.

Clint grimaced and his eyes slid over to Darcy. "You know how we were talking about the big red button…"

"You have got to be kidding me!" Her blue eyes grew wide as they shifted from the light show to the archer and back. "Seriously?" 

"It's not my fault!" he protested. "It's not like I did it on purpose!"

"Did what?" Natasha demanded, her own gun now up and aiming for the heart of the now-steady glow. "What did you do?"

Darcy reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "He pushed the button."

The glow grew deeper, moving from a light yellow to a deep gold in mere seconds, pulsating in a way that made Darcy begin to edge backwards. She could almost hear Jaws soundtrack playing in her head. "You know, maybe we should-." Light flared and she threw up her hands, trying to block out that blinding flash. The air swirled around her as the ground seemed to give way beneath her feet. Then, just before everything went dark, she heard Clint one more time.

"This is not my fault!"


	2. Down the Rabbit Hole

_Author's Note: So…I was reading a murder mystery and the theme behind it probably drove this story._

 **Down the Rabbit Hole**

"Darcy."

She could hear someone speaking her name. If she concentrated, she would probably know who, but at the moment she wanted to catch her breath. The last thing she remembered – other than Clint's protest – had been a big flash of light and the floor disappearing. Waking up to a headache or some other painful result of falling through the floor did not make her list of top ten things to do on any given day.

"Darcy."

Yeah, yeah, she knew that was stupid. If she were going to be in pain, she would already be in pain, but…who knew? Maybe there were layers to unconsciousness?

"Come on, little sister. I need you to wake up before I have to shoot Barton. His pacing is aggravating."

Natasha.

Should she let her shoot Clint?

"I'm awake," she sighed in resignation. Her eyes did not want to open, but she forced the issue, managing to blink up at Natasha. The redhead's stoic concern morphed into a stoic relief. They looked a lot alike, but Darcy had begun to master the various levels of stoicism shared by Natasha and Coulson. She had even managed to pick up on a few of Maria Hill's. "That should probably worry me," she muttered as she drew herself up to a sitting position.

"What?" Natasha asked, one eyebrow lifting in curiosity.

"My ability to translate stoicism."

A soft snort drew her eyes over to Clint. His eyes scanned the room before giving her a quick once over. Then they scanned the room yet again. She followed his gaze and felt her jaw drop a little. "Where the hell are we?"

"Good question."

The circular room held a variety of doors – large and small, all with differing shapes and colors, with some half hidden by curtains. A table stood, just off of center, on the checkboard design of the floor. The clear glass top of the table was empty except for a single bottle of clear liquid. "So…I'm guessing I hit my head and will wake up with an interesting dream to tell everyone about."

"We show up in your dreams often?" Clint lifted a brow at her. The hint of a smile flickered over Natasha's face.

"My dreams aren't usually this…bizarre though," she continued, ignoring his question. She gathered herself to stand up, accepting his hand when he held it out. Clint pulled her to her feet as Natasha began to prowl around the edges, trying doors and moving curtains. "Something about this is…familiar."

"Alice in Wonderland," Natasha mused as she came to stand beside them.

"Right! I remember now." Darcy glanced around. "Then the drink on the table will make us shrink."

"If it's anything like the story," the redhead nodded.

Clint frowned at both of them. "Why would we want to shrink?"

"So we can use the key to get through the right door," Darcy shrugged.

"What key?"

"That key." She pointed to the small key on the table.

He stared at it for a moment and then glanced back. "That wasn't there a moment ago."

"Of course not," she blinked at him. "And you should be glad we didn't have to do the whole shrink and grow routine before it showed up and we could reach it." She walked over to the table and picked up the key. Her gaze swept the room. "The kicker will be figuring out which door."

"One of the smaller ones," Natasha noted. She pointed towards a small, half hidden door. "That one."

Darcy looked at the door and nodded. "So…should we?" she asked, turning back to her companions.

"I want to go on record as not liking this one bit." Clint shifted, fingers flexing as if he wanted a weapon in his hand. He saw the direction of her gaze and his hands moved, clenching and relaxing. "The guns had vanished by the time we woke up."

"Great," she muttered. Then she shook her head. "But…the door?"

Natasha's lips tightened before settling into the hint of a frown. "There's not much choice."

"Still don't like it," Clint muttered.

"You probably shouldn't have tempted fate about the big red button," Darcy pointed out.

"Hey!" The protest came fast and sharp. "It's not like I would have actually pushed the damn thing! The whole damn Tower shook."

"Tony's off the wall invention," Darcy insisted, tapping her fingers one after the other as if clicking off points. "You hanging around in the lab bored. The Tower coming under attack. It's like the trifecta of temptation for fate! What could be easier than to give you the nudge to get your balance just exactly at the right point to hit the big red button?"

"So…see? It's fate's fault, not mine!"

"No." She drew out the word, brandishing the key at him since it was handy. "You're the one who started talking about the big red button. Going on about being curious about pushing it! You gave fate the whole idea! When the attack came, well, that was just the last little push fate needed, wasn't it?" One dark eyebrow lifted in challenge. "If you'd been going on about something else, then maybe something else would have happened instead of you pushing the big red button and we wouldn't be in the anteroom of Wonderland."

Clint shook his head. "We don't know that-."

"Looks pretty much like we do," she interrupted, glancing around. "Unless I really am dreaming."

Natasha reached out and slipped the key out of Darcy's hand. "I don't see another way out," she informed them. She picked up the bottle and took a quick sip before returning it to the table. "And while I'm enjoying the show, I did have plans tonight."

The redhead began to shrink, the key growing larger in her hand. Darcy watched with wide eyes as Natasha soon became the perfect height for their chosen door. The now tiny woman moved to the door and inserted the key. All of them watched as the door opened without a hint of noise. Then Natasha glanced up at them, tilting her head as if to ask why they were taking so long.

"At least our clothes are shrinking with us," she muttered. One sip later and she felt the strangest sort of tingling compression pushing her until she found herself staring up at the now gigantic table and the man beside it. Her hands went to her hips and she watched him shake his head before he reached out for the bottle. His lips moved in a silent mutter, but she felt certain she knew exactly what he said.

"This is not my fault."


	3. In the Garden

_Author's Note: Hmm…consider this one tagged for a future follow up._

 **In the Garden**

"I am not Alice."

Darcy's pronouncement drew looks from both of her companions.

"No," Clint agreed, drawing out the word. "You're Darcy and that's Nat, and I'm Clint."

"Ha, ha, very funny," she rolled her eyes. "No, I just mean – Alice got threatened with beheading and I don't remember what-all because the Red Queen was a bit of a bitch." She folded her arms over her chest. "I'm just getting it said from the outset that I don't want to be Alice."

"So we avoid the Red Queen," he shrugged.

"Clint can be Alice," Natasha agreed.

"Why me?" the archer demanded.

His partner shrugged. "Because this is your fault."

"You two need to quit ganging up on me."

The women exchanged glances before turning to stare at him. "Why?"

He blinked at the simultaneous double question and then sighed. "Never mind."

"It could be worse," Darcy patted his arm as she stepped up beside him to look over the wild garden spread before them. "Imagine what we'd be doing to Tony. It would definitely be worse."

"Much worse," Natasha agreed from Clint's other side.

"Nice to know I rank higher than Stark." He huffed out a quick chuckle. "Guess that's better than being on the bottom of the Avenger food chain."

"You're nowhere near the bottom," Darcy assured him as they started down the steps towards the garden gate. "Granted, you're not at the top, but you're definitely not at the bottom."

"And who's at the top," he demanded.

"Bruce," came the in-stereo reply.

Curiosity lit his voice. "Why Bruce?"

Natasha gave no vocal reply, but her challenging stare supplied all the answer he needed from her. Darcy shrugged. "Because he's got the whole absent minded professor thing going on that makes me want to wrap him up in a blanket and bring him soup and hot chocolate before he collapses from neglecting himself. He's kind of the guy version of Jane, but without the whole damn proud of herself personality she gets with everyone who's not family. It makes my Scientist radar go all red alert."

"Explains that," Clint nodded, fondness growing in his smile.

She laughed. "What can I say, I'm a scientist wrangler."

"You're not Alice."

The new voice caused them all to look around, the two spies going on full alert. A white rabbit came out from the shadows of the huge flowers. His blue waistcoat seemed a bit rumpled, as if he had been fussing with it. Darcy could just make out the chain of a pocket watch.

"Oh, dear," the rabbit muttered as he looked them over with care before focusing on Darcy. "Oh, dear. You should have been Alice."

"Actually I'm Darcy."

"Nivens McTwisp, at your service," he returned in an amiable voice, though his jittery concern did not lessen. "But you should have been Alice."

More figures stepped out of the shadows and into the light. Two large round boys and a large dignified bird that looked like something out of her science textbooks. She could not quite pin down the name of the species, but it tickled at her mind. The two boys stepped forward.

"I'm Tweedle Dee," said the one on the right. "He's Tweedle Dum."

His twin nodded. "And contrariwise, I'm Tweedle Dum and he's Tweedle Dee."

"You are strangers here," the large bird noted as he eyed them.

Darcy tilted her head as her memory finally clicked in. "And you're a Dodo." She heard Clint sigh as Natasha shifted beside her, but the bird just nodded.

"I am indeed," he agreed, a hint of approval in his tone. "My name is Uilleam."

"I'm Darcy," she smiled at him. Her companions shifted again, but she ignored that. "We're trying to get home."

"You're not Alice!"

A white mouse in a red coat jumped up on a nearby rock and brandished a pin at her. "You're supposed to be Alice!"

"It's not my fault I'm not Alice," Darcy frowned at her. "No reason to point that thing at me!"

"I'm listening to an argument with a mouse," Clint muttered.

Frowns began to appear on the faces surrounding them.

"Hush," Natasha scolded in a quiet tone before turning to the group. "If you would just direct us towards how to get back…?" Her voice trailed off, inviting a response.

"Ah, that would be up to the White Queen," McTwisp informed them. "She's the only one who would have the ability to send you home." He tugged on one of his ears, twitching a bit in distress as he looked towards Darcy. "Still…you were supposed to be Alice."

"I don't want to be Alice," she replied.

The white mouse shook her head. "But we need Alice!"

"Calm down, Maliumpkin," Uilleam insisted. "We should take them to Absolem. Perhaps he will know why she is not Alice."

"Because I'm Darcy?"

"And where is the White Queen?" Natasha asked.

"At her palace in Marmoreal of course," Maliumpkin rolled her eyes.

Natasha gave her a cool look. "And that would be…where?"

"South of Queast," Tweedle Dee replied.

Tweedle Dum shook his head. "East of Snud."

"It's both," McTwisp sighed.

Darcy looked over at the befuddled stoic expression now gracing Natasha's face. "Well," she sighed, "they did answer the question."

"Come along now," Uilleam insisted. "Absolem will know what to do."

"Are we placing any bets on that?" Clint murmured in her ear as they began to follow the odd little parade.

"It's been a very, very weird afternoon," she pointed out. "Who knows?"

"Hey, my only plan consisted of waiting until you got through with work and then talking you into dinner. This was not on my calendar."

She came to a full stop, turning to stare at him with wide eyes. "Excuse me? Dinner? What?"

Wicked mischief began to flicker in both smile and gaze as he stared down at her. "Yes, dinner," he replied.

"But you never…"

"I don't poach," Clint shrugged. "Figured I could wait it out considering the vibes coming off you both."

Her thoughts spun as she gaped at him. He waited, that mischief now hovering at the corners of his mouth. Had he really been…waiting? For her? Now that she thought about it, she could not recall his name pairing up with anyone on the gossip grapevine, but most people thought he just knew how to be discreet.

"Seriously?" Something made her push the question again. "Dinner?"

He sighed, but Natasha cleared her throat and they turned to her. "You're timing is terrible," she informed both of them before nodding to the path. "We should catch up. You can finish flirting later."

Darcy could feel color rushing to her cheeks before she turned to hurry after the group. She could sense the others keeping pace with her, but kept her gaze fixed on their guides. They came into a clearing where a large blue caterpillar sat on an even larger mushroom.

Maliumpkin gave them a haughty stare. "This is Absolem."

Absolem looked over them, eyes shifting from Natasha to Clint and then settling on Darcy. "Who are you?" he demanded.

She lifted her eyebrows at his abruptness. "I'm Darcy."

"You are supposed to be Alice," he frowned. "Though you don't appear to be Alice."

"Because I'm not Alice!" Darcy insisted.

"If you are not Alice," Absolem drew himself up to look down at her, "then why are you here?"

Darcy stared up at the blue caterpillar for a long moment before glancing around at the others. All of those eyes staring at her began to make her nervous, so she went with the first answer that crossed her mind. She pointed at Clint.

"It's all his fault."


End file.
